Black Holes and Other Things

Confession: I don't really know anything about black holes.

I also don't know, however, where all my time has been going recently.  Black holes are as good a guess as any.  In any case, my blogging has slacked off, but don't worry.  The rest of everything else I should be doing has as well.

I have to run (Big Surprise), but I will post soon.

In the meantime...

Smile and Breathe xxx

We're In This Together

We are not alone.  You are not alone.  

The idea that life is not a solo journey, and that there are those around you willing to help isn't a novel one. The phrase is often dropped, perhaps too carelessly, as an example of a way to comfort someone who is hurting.  The idea is pushed into our faces, and reiterated so many thousands of times the words can almost lose their meaning.  It'll be okay, don't worry. You're not alone, I'm here for you.  It is hard to tell sometimes whether the words are truly meant to comfort, or are instead a subtle brush off; an attempt to de-escalate an uncomfortable situation.  

Despite all of that, however, I wish I could say those two sentences over and over again.  I wish everyone, in every corner of the world could hear them.  The phrase, when said directly, is and should be powerful.  It represents the human connection we all share whether we want this connection or not.  It represents that even in our loneliest, darkest hours there is someone out there.

Tonight I was reminded of how important it is to remember that we are all in this together.  We are all trying to bring meaning into lives that can be both brilliant and frightening.  We are all trying to reconcile  the world's good, with the world's bad, and the good and bad within ourselves. 

Tonight I talked to someone who, though friendly with, I do not talk to often.  In this particular friend, however, I came to realize I had strong ally.  Her thoughts were more similar to mine than I had ever known, and we shared certain facets of personality in common that had been previously undiscovered.  This served as a simple strong reminder that there are people out there who are on our team, even if it isn't consistently discussed.  Even if we don't know it, there are enough of these people that, no matter how lonely we feel, we are never alone.  We're in this together.

Smile and Breathe xxx

Happiness is...Coming Home (Whatever Shape it Takes)

The other day, my all time favorite blogger over at Eat Move Write talked about a topic that struck a chord with me.  She said that, no matter where she was, when she wanted comfort she would say "I want to go home".  This describes me perfectly.  I can remember times where I'd be sitting in my own bedroom, freaking out, and whispering "I want to go home" over and over again.  I didn't understand it, but something in my gut told me to say it.  Somehow I knew, despite being in the house I grew up in, at this moment I was not at home.

For the past two mornings, I have woken up with that aching in my chest.  That feeling that just screams "I want to be home, I want to be home.  Why can't I go home?". It can be painful, but I brushed it off. I sent short texts to my dad, keeping them upbeat, so he didn't realize I was hurting.  I didn't want him to know I was missing him, or feeling sad. I didn't want him to worry.    

Tonight, however, I had a blast with my friends here at school.  We talked, we laughed, we sang and we ate cake I'll feel guilty about eating in the morning.  At one point I stopped and told my friend "We're going to remember this, this will be one of those times that stick out."  I still feel that it will be.  Tonight will be one of those brief high points that are so blissfully happy that they remain clear for years and years.  

Tonight, my home was my room at university. Home was the friends I with. It was sitting cross legged on my carpet talking and talking.  Home was laughing, jumping, singing, and confiding.  I am going to sleep tonight knowing I have come home.  

Smile and Breathe xxx

I Freak Out

If I wrote a book, that would be the title.  I freak out so often, that I would even say I could consider it a skill. I can have a complete freak out meltdown, recover, and then go through my day.   No one would be the wiser (except maybe my cousin...he is an expert at dealing with it), and that is how I like it.  It takes a bit away from your credibility if you cannot go through the day without second guessing yourself, and falling apart.  I'm not saying this is a good thing.

The reason I freak out is probably, one part anxiety, one part neuroticism, one part emotional imbalance, and one part a tendency to be overdramatic.  It is a bad combination, and we do what we can to keep it in check.  Sometimes I can hold it off for awhile, but it generally is just better to get it over with and keep going.

If you haven't noticed, that is "My Thing": Moving forward, and keeping going.   Despite all my shortcomings, the amount I freak out, my up and down emotions...the only thing I push myself to do is move forward.  For me, this means keeping up (and doing well) with my schoolwork, and making sure I take the time to what I need or want to do.  Sometimes, in times of greater crisis, we move the requirements down to getting out of bed, showering, and completing the more basic things.  We try not to keep it there long, though. That may be moving forward, but ultimately I'm going to need a job, so schoolwork takes priority, despite it's current lack of direction.

I do not want to get stuck in a rut. I do not want to stop completely.  The longer you stop, the harder it is to pull yourself out. It's possible, don't get me wrong, but it's going to take that much more work and that much more determination.  I'm also not saying that if you're not doing the college thing you're going to get stuck in the rut--that is just my path.  As long as you're moving down your own path, you're fine.  As long as you're moving in the right direction, you'll get somewhere you'll be happy with.

Smile and Breathe xxx

Happiness is....Doing the Right Thing

Fact 1: People are complex and easily misunderstood.

Fact 2: It is important, despite Fact 1, that we continually try to understand those around as best we can.  

I have this friend, and he is a Good Guy.  He has proven this innumerable times, but I believe it is generally unnoticed.  I feel like people often get the wrong impression of him, but personally, I think some people aren't trying to get the right one.  To each their own, and it is their loss.  

A situation arose today where a choice needed to be made.  On my own, I would have made the wrong one.  It was this friend that pushed me into doing the right thing, and I am grateful for his influence. It is amazing how much happiness you can get from walking away from a situation knowing you did exactly what was needed.  

My point here is that it is important to look past everything on the surface that can cloud your judgment--whether about a person or a situation.  You can find inspiration to do the right thing in so many places, but you need to make sure you are willing to look. 

Be slow to judge, quick to appreciate, and give credit where credit is due (Good call, Matt).

Smile and Breathe xxx

Happiness is...Reading For Fun

I do read, technically speaking.  I read articles, and textbooks and recently I've been plowing my way through The Odyssey. I am again liberal in my word usage.  Most farmers do not plow for ten minutes than take a forty minute nap.  The truth is, I'm not sure Odysseus and I are on the same page.  He's a bit too Guns and Ammo while I'm a little too Us Weekly.  It's hard to meet in the middle, but we do what we can.

The catch here is that nearly all of the reading I do is for university, and very little, if any, is for my own personal pleasure.  Some people might say they get pleasure from reading for school, and that is absolutely fantastic. I do not, generally. As my favorite blogger over at Eat Move Write would say, sorry, I'm not sorry.  I take what I can, and move on.

Where I get real pleasure, and happiness, is reading for fun.  I love the choice to read what I want, when I want, and where I want.  I'm stubborn like that.  Sorry, I'm not sorry.

Smile and Breathe  xxx

PS:  I'm thinking of making "Happiness is..." posts a daily, or twice daily post.  I hope you like it!

But What I'm Really Saying Is...

Hey, there.  I'm Laura.

I'm an eighteen (nearly nineteen!) year old who has thus far managed to cobble together a decent amount of success despite a tendency to be a complete disaster.  I am using the word "success" liberally.  I have a high school diploma, and a little more than an 1/8 of a college education, but I don't know if I'd describe that as any measure of "success".   I don't really know what "success" is yet, but currently I'm playing with the idea of success in the form of waitressing. Stay tuned.  

The disaster part is not an exaggeration.  The world falls apart around me, and that isn't just simple melodrama.  The people who needed to fix my dorm room floor, I believe, would be more than happy to attest to the fact that my personal disaster intrudes into the physical world.  

I'm guessing that the fact that I am a neurotic overdramatic doesn't really help anything, though. 

This is who I am.   This is what I'm working with, for better or for worse.  Let's just hope it's for the better. 

Keep on Smiling, Keep on Breathing xxx

Rockin' The Boat

It is so easy to be happy when life is going your way.  I can preach on being happy for hours when I am, in fact, feeling happy.  It is when life isn't perfect that you lose your words.   It's the rocking of the boat that tests your ability to take your own advice. 

Today, something rocked my boat.  But...

This is a challenge.  This is me not getting down about something that has gotten me down every. single. time. in the past.

This is smiling, breathing, and moving on.

Smile and Breathe xxx

Backing It Up

Stop. Rewind.

I need to back up a little bit.

You'll all have to bear with me while I find my focus, and my voice.  I ultimately want this blog to have a very individual and unique character, but for awhile it may be a little scattered.  I have some goals, but I am not sure yet how they will manifest.

This blog is about living well, and living happily.  It is about my own journey to appreciate life every day, and to not take anything for granted.  It is about overcoming the neuroticism that so often holds me back.  The goal is to move past my personal barriers, in order to gain the life I want and become the person I want to be.

A happy and healthy life is the sum of its parts, and that is what I want this blog to demonstrate.  Happiness can come from a passage in a book, experiences in life, a beautiful photograph or thousands of other sources.  Happiness can come from the smallest parts of life.

This blog is about finding the simple beauties in life, and learning that those can be enough to make you happy.  Appreciation is all it takes.  This is the journey I want to begin. A journey to find that simple, basic happiness that comes from just living and loving life--nothing else.  I'm sure I will not always succeed--sometimes it is impossible to be happy, and sometimes I will be incapable of it, for some reason or another. This blog is also about those times, and how one can go about pulling themselves out of a crevasse.  About how one can try to just smile, breathe, and move on.

Wish me luck!

Smile and Breathe! xxx

Declaring a College Major in 5 Easy Steps

1. Do not think too much about your choice of major.

In fact, it is best if you don't think at all! If, on a whim, you decide to study marine biology, go declare it right away.  It's okay if you have never been all that interested in marine life previously, and have a severe dolphin allergy--you'll figure those parts out later.  It is essential you declare your newfound interest as a major immediately.  

2.  Make sure you make it known how passionate you are about your new discipline.

Tell your academic advisor that you have discovered your calling, and it is marine biology.  Expound on the virtues of your new vocation, and explain how you have been hiding your inner marine biologist your whole life.   Once you have declared the major, make sure to tell everyone you meet that you are a future marine biologist.  Call up your parents and tell them you have found your direction in life.  Do not hold back the joyous news from anyone.  

3.  Enthusiastically join organizations dedicated to your major.

It is essential that along with joining these organizations, you give up any previous ones you were a member of.  That was your old life--your present and future is the beautiful world of marine biology.  If you are feeling highly motivated, you can ditch friends you knew from your old clubs, and embrace the people in the new ones.  You don't really want to be hanging around people who just aren't going to the same place as you anyway. 

4.  Plan the minutiae of the rest of your life around major.

There is absolutely no chance life will not go the way you want it to, so make sure you get the details down now.  A new major is a great chance to structure your whole life around your, of course, inevitable career.  Enjoy life with your fellow marine biologist spouse, two children, and dog on the houseboat on the coast of Florida.  I'm sure you will find the manatees very interesting, and you will be able to devote the rest of your life to studying them.  

5.  Repeat.  Several Times.  

I envy the people who have known since they were three where they are going, and where they want to be.  I change my mind daily.   I have panic attacks that I am, in fact, going nowhere.  That I will, in fact, be doomed to a box by the river.

I can't believe, however, that the solution is to stop exploring new paths.  The most interesting people in life are the ones that have been everywhere and tried everything.  They are the people that have studied marine biology, and worked as an archaeologist in Egyptian tombs. Or the people that dropped everything and moved to a new city to start again, or to look for something they could not find where they were.   Changing paths isn't bad--but let's just try to end up somewhere other than that box by the side of the river.

But as my best friend once said--even in that situation, you're at least living by a river.  

Smile and Breathe! xxx

Forelsket and L'esprit de Escalier

When on stumbleupon today, I came across a list of words that don't exist in the English language. Words such as cualacino, an Italian word for the mark left on a table by a cold glass, and gheegle, the Filipino word for the urge to pinch something cute. As a lover of words, all were fascinating, but none were as poignant as forelsket and le'esprit de escalier.

Le'esprit de escalier, a French word, literally means "the spirit of the staircase". This, in of itself, is haunting. The meaning is intangible, and brings to mind old, creaky houses filled with left over memories. The literal meaning gains depth with the word's conventional usage. When used, it means the feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said.

This feeling is so universal, and striking, that it is almost unimaginable that there is no word for it in the English language. No simple way to describe the regret mixed with longing, the conversations that are repeated, and fixed thousands of times in the imagination after the fact. It truly is like the spirit of a staircase. While people can walk up and down a staircase thousands of time--the actual staircase remains stationary. Like a conversation where so much more should have been said, the staircase will only start and end in the same place. It will not change.

Regret can inhibit happiness. The "should haves", and "could have beens" hold people back from what can be. Although the staircase cannot move, we can. We can climb it, and move on. We can find new staircases to traverse. We cannot let ourselves get stuck in that one conversation, that one "could have been", that one staircase. It is important to accept what we cannot change, what is over and done with. It is difficult, especially if the ending was harsh, and unwanted, if it seemed unfinished, but we're not changing the past by remaining in it, and we definitely are not making a better future. The only way to make a bright a future is to let go of regrets and keep moving.

On a lighter note, forelsket is the Norwegian word for the euphoria you feel when first falling in love. This feeling is so distinct, so poignant; it is again strange that there is no word for it in English. Even hearing the word in a different language brings to mind the complete and utter happiness that comes with those early feelings of falling. The fact that such a word exist reminds me how much good is in the world, and how much of a capacity humans have for love. It reminds me of how lovely a thing love really is. It's important to remember--and too easily forgotten.

Smile and Breathe! xxxx

Figuring It Out

I was not joking when I said smiling and breathing was the goal. In my more peaceful moments, I believe I have accomplished it. Sometimes days go by, and I smile, I breathe, I am completely, utterly happy. And then I'm not.

I remember I have nothing figured out.

The challenge here is to learn to be okay with how little I know. I need to learn how to be happy, despite the fact that life is not always within my control.

I need to learn to trust.

I have to trust that if I keep stumbling forward, I'll figure out something eventually. I have to trust that if I lose hold of the reigns my life won't go spinning out of control. I must trust that if life does spin away from me, I will be able to get it back, some way or another. I will have the capability to pick of the pieces.

I believe everyone has this capability--to trust and move forward. I also understand, however, how hard is to believe in yourself, especially when so much of life is outside of your control. I understand what it's like to be a constant disaster.

We just need to trust that it gets better. And it does.

Smile and Breathe xxx

Smile and Breathe

If I'm being completely honest, I don't smile all of the time. Sometimes I even forget to breathe. The goal, however, is to get to the point where I can just let go. I can smile. I can breathe. I can move forward.

That is the goal. That is the goal because tomorrow isn't guaranteed, and there is too much beauty in the world. Our time is too short.

My name is Laura. Welcome to my new blog!

This blog is about happiness, and all the places it can be found. It will be about the problems that occur when happiness escapes you. It will be about life--all the beauty and all the pitfalls. It will be about me. I can't help that-I like talking about myself.

I'm not sure where this baby blog will go, but stay tuned!

Smile and Breathe! xxxx